Thanksgiving Gratitude

Thanksgiving Gratitude 

I have a big thing to share. I want to share because I bet I’m not the only one going through something heavy. Themes of loss. If you aren't in a mindset to read on, maybe come back later:)

Where do I even start with this one? It’s been a doozy around this time of year. Each year has its own flavor to it and this year my triggers with my mom's death started earlier than normal. Back in the middle of October, this completely confused me. I normally never know how or what will come through as I get closer to the anniversary of her death and the holidays spent with family and my therapist informed me to not go looking for it. To just let it happen. So I practice that. Trusting the process and that my mind and body know what to do. And knowing I have skills to fall back on when it gets tricky.

My mom died when I was 11, on Thanksgiving.  What I have learned over the decades since is that each year I learn new skills that then allow my brain to process parts of that trauma. We all grieve differently and our traumas will manifest themselves in us differently as well. I personally had a great deal of anger to come to terms with before I could begin to understand how to process the many layers to my inner pain.

Years later between therapy and reiki I've spent years rewiring the trauma. I also work to find something positive in it all. The healing process isn’t meant to be forced, feelings and memories come through as the body and mind are able to make sense of it. Our brain is so crazy smart that we are wise to allow it to guide most of the time.

Like I said, this year hit early and HARD. So hard that I experienced a panic attack. I haven't had one of those in 10 years come to think of it. I got triggered from 5 different directions in one day. Not all of them had to do with my mom, just my areas of PTSD. I kept thinking, “Do I need to reach out to my therapist?” My instincts said “no” which tells me I've learned what I needed to get through this. 

For me this is a combination of ART therapy and Reiki. They complement each other. I took the time I needed and did what my body needed. I thought of a safe person that would understand my trauma and I found my hubby and shared a long hug. I made a mug of my cocoa, did some reiki to smooth it out, and I kept reminding myself of logic. 

For me this stems from the desire to not quit. A drive that was ingrained in me from my parents. By my mom and then my dad. My dad would always say, you can’t stop because the negative hopes you get tired of the battle. Maybe some of you can relate.

So, as I've been processing my trauma and honoring my body, mind, and spirit (it’s a team effort) I’ve been thinking of possibilities that I can do to bring joy. To balance out the deep pain that is surfacing.

I’ve been grounding my booty with gardening and cleaning out my indoor plants, getting new pots and soil so I can go out into the world and enjoy finding some new beautiful plants. This fills my heart so much. 

I’ve been baking healthy foods which is something I learned from my mom. I even made myself some sourdough bread.

I donated to a local foodshelf in honor of my mom. She was always doing things to help others.

I bought a large decorative Nor Folk Pine tree for the downstairs area of our house. It's a connection with my mom that I don’t fully understand and that’s okay, it brings me joy. Like I giggled so loud in the store when I saw them. I think I scared the teenagers nearby lol. My boys are used to it. My husband simply said “Get a cart for it.”

All in all, each year I want to notice the slivers of my past experience that are ready to be understood. There was a time when I was simply mad. I knew I was mad because I missed her but I didn’t understand the full depth of it. I knew I needed therapy, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t find a therapist till I was 30. I saw her for 1 year then it was time for me to take a break and try out the skills I had learned, mixed with reiki. Then I went back 7 years later and my brain and body were stuck. That's when I was told ART was the next step for me. I’ve been going at first once a month, now I'm going every 6 weeks. I’ve been going for 1.5 years. I never know what is going to come through. I just trust my person and set the intention that she will help guide what needs to be released that day.

Another truth that I can share with you that may help in your own life regardless of the situation, is that arts, being creative and writing or drawing, are a huge help to our processing. Before I had access to all of the support and therapy, I had writing and painting and sculpting with clay. To this day writing holds strong with me. I didn’t fully understand its power until therapy. With it my heart feels lighter and at peace. When I was young it was pure instinct, now with some professional help I understand my why.

So, I’ll journal freely and put pen to paper. I'm honest and I ask for guidance, I give thanks with follow through on what comes out and then I go to my firepit and burn it as a full release with my smudge bundle and palo santo and other plant matter that feels right. The fire is also a natural healing support for me and I enjoy bonfires so much.

Any way you can find your tools for processing your own stuff is great. It's also not a bad thing to ask for support. I hope this was helpful and that you have a peaceful holiday. Remember to give thanks to something about yourself and your personal world. What brings you joy?